Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
