Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
