i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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