your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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