Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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