shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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