I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
