we made out on top of his cat.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
