Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize