hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
