I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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