Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
