If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
