totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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