My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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