aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I want to fling myself into the sun
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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