Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
