She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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