Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't deserve a penis
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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