Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
