Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
