The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
