he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
