Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
