dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
