so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
