somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
