Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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