Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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