My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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