i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i drank out of a bidet.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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