u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
