New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
