dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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