that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My cat gives me a boner
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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