i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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