I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
