I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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