i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
