dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
