Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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