In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
