Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
