I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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