Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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