Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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