i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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