If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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