You're completely useless in the revolution.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
