I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
