Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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